Fairport Women

Rebuilding Home: Facing the “Have Nos”

By Deborah Feldman

The loss of a spouse is devastating, whether expected or unexpected. As I mentioned in my previous blog, my husband died suddenly of a bilateral pulmonary embolism. Seared permanently in my memory is the feeling of hopelessness that I had for years. The world as I knew it was over and the future was scary. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am a bit of a perfectionist – whether it is my advice at work, my home, my garden, my clothing, hairstyle, etc. This is why my close friends were concerned when I suddenly stopped taking care of myself after my husband passed away. My children were always neat, clean and on time for activities, but I was in such a depressed state that I just didn’t care about anything else. Early one morning my friend Lynn rang my front doorbell and when I opened the door, instead of seeing her ever-smiling face, I was looking into the hand mirror she was holding and saw a reflection of my ugly, disheveled appearance. “What happened to my friend?” she asked as she marched into my house. This simple gesture of caring was a very necessary wakeup call for me.

Getting oneself back into life after an emotionally shocking event is difficult in itself; but, for me, trying to tackle anything financial was simply overwhelming. I had absolutely no interest in completing the simplest task that was often requested by my attorney, banker or brokerage house. While the intellectual side of me realized that if I didn’t act, nothing would get done, the emotional side of me just didn’t care. I was in a world of resentment and hurt and, apparently, didn’t want to leave it.

So how did I move from my miserable state of being into a more responsible life? I remembered a math professor lecturing our class on motivation and how it is a different experience for every person. It made me think about what might motivate me and I decided to identify what I thought was contributing to my lack of motivation related to financial matters. I proceeded to write the following on a piece of paper: I have no confidence; I have no experience; I have no knowledge on the subject; I have no ability; I have no one to talk to about my concerns; and, last but not least, I have no interest. I dubbed these observations the “have nos.” And, I decided that I would take them on one at a time. With two small children depending on me, failure was not an option.

Looking at the “have nos” list, I decided that having no knowledge might be the first place to start – after all, how could I develop confidence, ability, experience, or interest if I didn’t have some knowledge? I remember scheduling an appointment with my broker to assess my situation. Taking this step also gave me someone to talk to about my concerns for the future. These early conversations led to my developing a hard and fast investment strategy rule. It is one that I still adhere to and advise my clients to adhere to, even today: I will not put money into any investment that I don’t completely understand.

For more insight from Deb, you can read the first issue of Rebuilding Home here, or stay up-to-date on new issues by following Deborah Feldman’s blog on LinkedIn.